I had the honor of attending the wedding of a beautiful Arbonne team member and friend this weekend (and I even got to do her makeup, which was quite a privilege and a lot of fun!) She has been extremely stressed out and a bit emotional in the weeks leading up to her wedding, and I felt one day recently that I needed to remind her of what is truly most important: not every little wedding detail, as perfect as I knew she wanted it to be, but the strength of the marriage that would need to stand the tests of time, trouble, highs, and lows long after the guests had forgotten the meaningful wording on the programs and the lovely flowers carried by the bridesmaids.
It had been four years since I last attended a wedding ceremony. The experience caused me to pause and reflect on my own wedding, and certain aspects of it made me laugh out loud. I'm normally such a perfectionist, control freak, and procrastinator all rolled into one messy package. (And to hear it told by her maid of honor, yesterday's bride may be able to relate to me more than she knew!) Yet when it came to getting married, I just jumped in. The song lyrics "We got married in a fever" come to mind.
I started dating my husband on June 24th, 1997. Within a few weeks, we were planning our wedding and secretly looking at rings. He nervously asked my dad's permission, and we became engaged on September 13th. We set our wedding date in late May of 1998, after I would finish my junior year of college, but by Valentine's Day we just couldn't stand the wait any longer. We were in that I-hate-every-moment-we're-apart-so-let's-just-get-married-already phase. We moved our wedding date up to March 7th with just a few weeks to prepare for the big day.
I was a live-in nanny, college English tutor, newspaper intern, and full-time student. I knew I couldn't have one of those perfect-to-the-last-detail weddings if I wanted to get married at that exact time. So quite uncharacteristically, I let others take care of the details. We were married at a resort on a beautiful lake, and the facility offered a package that included all of the planning, decorating, catering, and whatever else we needed. In reality it was far from ideal, and sometimes I wish I had put a little more time and effort into the fine details. Honestly, the wedding was nice but a little odd in some aspects. Now, more than 14 years later, I recognize that it really doesn't matter. So the pastor's message was a bit unconventional. So I hated my hair and my makeup wasn't really "me." So the music was played on a cheesy portable CD player. My dress was beautiful, the cake was probably the best I've ever had, and . . . I GOT MARRIED! I even got to have a Bridezilla moment in spite of my lack of involvement in the planning: My husband took the car to get some surprise roses for me at the exact time when I was leaving to get my hair done, and of course the veil was in the car, so we had to guess on my hair, which turned out not to work at all with the veil by the time I actually got it, and by then it was too late to do anything about it. I was so upset with him, right up to the moment when a dozen red roses showed up for me at the salon. Little did I know how often that sheepish feeling would return to me over the years. My poor husband has put up with a lot of irritated outbursts from me because I assumed something without getting the facts from him. That was just the first of many.
Nowadays, the perfectionist, control-freak tendencies I exhibited as a child and young woman seem only to have escalated, and I forget what really matters: playing with my kids vs. having clean floors, teaching my children about Jesus and character and making right choices vs. getting the laundry and dishes done, modeling good behavior and attitude vs. getting all my phone calls and orders completed on my time schedule. Of course the floors need to be clean sometimes, and the laundry, dishes, phone calls, and orders can't wait forever. But let's be realistic: I can put off my to-do list for 30 minutes or even a couple of hours if it means not letting that "teachable moment" slip through my hands.
When it comes to my marriage, I have found it far too easy to put my to-do list and my children ahead of my husband, especially in the past four years since our second and third children were born. The lovely but simple wedding ceremony I just attended reminded me of some truths I've been forgetting lately: I promised to honor and to hold, to love unconditionally and to cherish all of our lives. I vowed to keep the 1st Corinthians 13 definition of love at the center of our marriage and home: Love is patient and kind; it does not envy, boast, dishonor others, or keep records of wrong. It is not proud, self-seeking, or easily angered. It does not rejoice in evil but in the truth. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Ouch. I am ashamed at how conditionally I have loved my life partner in the past 14 years. I haven't cherished or honored him enough. I have been selfish and proud. I have kept mental records of wrongs. I have been easily angered and kept my husband walking on eggshells. I haven't always protected our marriage, haven't always trusted or been trustworthy, haven't always kept the faith and hope when we needed it most, and haven't always wanted to persevere. My love has failed.
As I entered the room where the bride and bridesmaids prepared themselves for the wedding yesterday, I was relieved to see complete joy and peace on my friend's face. Her whole demeanor exuded joy, although friends and family claimed she had been a basket case all week and as recent as the night before. I heard her say more than once, "I'm as cool as a cucumber," and her level of calm was impressive all day. She knew what really mattered, and that was her new life as a wife and partner to her best friend. Although others around her cried off and on throughout the day and threatened to make her cry and ruin my makeup job, she only got teary-eyed and never let the tears spill over. It wasn't until she began to recite her vows that she choked up. She told me later that it was because she wanted to take every word to heart and not just repeat the vows but mean them from the depths of her soul. She got it. She was the polar opposite of Bridezilla, and a shining example of peace, joy, and love.
I am happy for my friend, and I am also thankful for a reminder I didn't realized I needed. My own commitment has been renewed by the vows I witnessed others taking, and I love my husband a little more today than I did yesterday. I looked back to my own wedding day this weekend, and while I found myself laughing and shaking my head at myself, I also saw something I hadn't realized before: I honestly love my husband so much more today than I did on the day we married. We were 20 years old and didn't know anything about love or the tests and hardships that would push love to its limits. We have been through harder times than we would have dreamed possible back then and survived threats to our marriage that most people would be shocked to learn we faced. Yet here we are, and I know it's not just because of our firm resolve, determination, or love because all of those have faltered more than once over the years. We made our commitment not just before family and friends but before the God who created us for each other, and He wasn't giving up on us without a fierce fight. I've said it before and will say it every day, for as long as I have breath: only by the grace of God. And by His great grace, we will love each other more in another 14 years than we do today. His love never fails.
Congratulations, Lindsay and Christopher, and thank you for letting me be a part of your special day! As your maid of honor said, may you look back on your wedding day and realize it was the day you loved each other least.