"You haven't blogged in a while. Where have you been?"
Where have I been? Nowhere. Everywhere. And all the places in between.
I've been in a strange, interesting, hard, and wonderful place this past year. It isn't easy to describe, but you know me -- I'll try. ;)
I guess it was about a year ago that I just got burned out. I wanted to start fresh in a new town, even move to another country. I've moved a lot, and every time I had this hope that it would be chance for me to become someone else. As they saying goes, wherever I go, there I am. Moving has always been an exciting adventure, but it has never changed the things about my character and personality and tendencies that I don't like.
I began examining what in the world was going on in my heart and head. I had a beautiful family, a fairly successful business, great friends, and a loving extended family that supported us in any ways they could from afar. Why did I feel empty? Why did I crave change? I had to face myself every morning in the mirror, and I knew I could make it all look put together on the outside even while I was falling apart inside.
What happened? I had so much promise and potential. I thought I was so special and that the world revolved around me. (Thanks, Dad. :) Pretty sure you helped out there.) I was going to be a great musician, an amazing writer, a self-sacrificing missionary, a model wife, and a perfect mother. Not surprisingly, those dreams couldn't pay the bills when I desperately wanted to stay home with my first baby, but that was OK because I had star-studded opportunity in network marketing and a new dream to get to the top, experience wild success while helping others reach their dreams and goals, and just as soon as that happened (a couple years by my estimation) I could get back to my original dreams, now fueled by residual income that would never end. Sounded good!
Network marketing did help me reach my dream and goal of staying home not only with one baby but with three babies. Each one brought new expenses and accompanied changes to my husband's work situation, and each time network marketing was there for me, giving me the opportunity to increase my income as needed and coming through for me as I prayed hard, worked hard, and shared the news in spite of what others said or thought. I learned a lot of good lessons through those years.
The success wasn't as wild and big as I had planned, however, and after eight years maintaining the level of income we needed required a lot of hours on my part. I wasn't truly seeing the "mailbox money" of residual income yet. Plus my baby had grown up, and at this point I was homeschooling him. His schoolwork would only increase and take up more hours of the day, and soon his brothers would be doing school, too. I had a burning desire to write and return to the world of words, something I had put down for too long so I could build my business. In fact, I had put down a lot of things so I could build my business -- ministry, music, writing, friendships, girls' nights out, evenings and weekends with my family, date nights ... but it had been worth it to be my children's caretaker when they were tiny. And it was supposed to pay off forever, so a handful of years of sacrifice held the promise of many years of vacations, early retirement for my husband, funding lots of mission work, writing as much I wanted, limitless educational opportunities for my children, and pretty much anything else I could imagine.
I fear I may sound cynical and jaded at this point. I'm really not. I still believe network marketing can and does provide all of that and more to real people who are willing to work hard without losing sight of their dreams. When I commit to something, I believe it should be for life, and I have a hard time letting go of those commitments. I'm learning in my older and wiser age that many good things are meant to last only for a season. As I grow personally, I may grow into new phases and opportunities. I may outgrow things I never wanted to end. I can kick and scream, but I can't always stop the seasons from changing as seasons must do. I've never seen this more clearly than now, as my oldest baby starts to shrug off the things of childhood and shows increasing interest in the things of men.
Recently I let go of a dream. I've been "the Arbonne lady" for more than 8 years. One day I still was. The next I wasn't. This was my choice, and many will never understand it. That's OK. When you're in the center of God's will, these things usually won't make sense to others. I have nothing negative to say about Arbonne. What a great company with fabulous products and some of the most wonderful people on the planet working at the corporate office and as independent consultants! I have been blessed to be a part of it. I made my plans to stay in for life, but it was only meant to be for a season. I'm thankful for that season, and I look forward to what God has for me next on the beautiful, expansive horizon of my future.
"Thank you" couldn't ever suffice, but I must say it -- to my upline, my team, my clients. You have all been wonderful, and I am forever grateful. For some of us, I know our paths won't cross again, and I am sad about that. Others of you have become friends for life, and I am so glad God used Arbonne to bring us together.
Good-bye, Arbonne. I have been changed for the better by this journey and take many amazing memories with me.
The future is bright. Jesus, take the wheel ... and thank You for never letting me make success an idol for long. Thank You for showing me that "success" takes on all different forms and shapes and that following You rarely looks like the world's idea of success.