I just wrapped up a study a friend and I have been doing for the past few months on the Apostle Paul. I have long found him a fascinating and admirable biblical character, but I feel he has come to life for me in some new ways. This well-educated, intelligent, zealous man whose life was the letter of the law abandoned his respectable status in society and not only joined but even led his former sworn enemies in crying out, "To live is Christ!" He has inspired countless thousands to do the same.
Perhaps one of the most compelling qualities of Paul is his refusal to appeal to the Lord on the basis of good works and best efforts. He had dedicated his life to studying and teaching the Jewish law and codes of conduct, but when Christ got ahold of him, he knew he could only come to the Father on the basis of the cross, the blood, and grace. He encouraged others not to buy into the belief that a lifetime of learning and a list of Levitical rules and observances were necessary to become a family member in this new community of Christ-followers.
At the same time, nothing in Paul's life was wasted. There was a high purpose in his training at the feet of Gamaliel, grandson of the great Hillel -- both names of considerable importance in the history of Judaism. Jews today still refer to Gamaliel as "the beauty of the law." He had wisdom, a big heart, and an open mind, which were not always the trademarks of other rabbis in his time. Many of Gamaliel's words even echo the words of Jesus: "Judge not they neighbour until thou art in his place; ... what is unpleasant to thyself that do not to thy neighbor; ... he who wishes to make a name for himself loses his name." Many would argue that Paul could not have known, understood, and taught the Christian faith as effectively without the extensive training he had received from this revered master of the Jewish law.
Paul was trying desperately to keep all the outward acts of obedience, but his heart was hardening. Instead of treating his neighbor as he wished to be treated, he was persecuting and killing fellow Jews who had chosen to follow Christ.
After Paul's conversion to Christianity, the Jewish officials wanted to put him to death, but Paul's former teacher, Gamaliel, advised them, "Stay away from these men and leave them alone. For if this plan or this work is of men, it will be overthrown, but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them. You may even be found fighting against God." Paul, known as Saul prior to his conversion, had been taught about grace in his young life, but he may have needed to be knocked off his horse to remember it! In the study, Beth Moore encourages readers to pray that God will convict us at the very moment of departure from the law of love that He has written on our hearts, for the heart of the law has always been love. Humans are the ones who make the law anything less.
I have a self-righteous streak I have battled most of my life. I think it stems from my perfectionistic tendencies and desire for everything to be "just so" when it comes to my plans and ideas. Beth concluded that "for those who only see gray, God often emphatically and lovingly paints portraits of black and white so they are forced to acknowledge the contrasts. For those who only see black and white, He introduces situations when answers aren't so easy, where lists 'A to Z' cannot be found, and when points one, two, and three don't work. Gray." Isn't that beautiful? I tend to focus on the black and white, and she is right: God keeps introducing gray situations and gray people and gray theologies to perplex my mind. At the same time, He doesn't let me get too far from the black-and-white truths that cannot be compromised. I think that may be something I have in common with Paul: a desperate desire to make everything fit into the black box or the white box, but we find such freedom when we embrace people and circumstances with love and faith rather than trying to stuff them into their compartments.
The study also challenged me to consider what my obsessions are. Beth wrote that she suspects "most obsessions rise from a futile attempt to fill a gaping hole somewhere deep in a life." Wow. Really? I have always, without fail, had an obsession or two that cause me to neglect other things in life and press on toward some goal or desire. I have obsessively pursued learning a musical instrument, writing, a hobby, a boy I was sure would be my husband someday, a career, or the mythical goals of being a perfect daughter, friend, wife, or mom. Guess what? Without fail, I failed at each one. I am still learning that I can't fill that gaping hole with anything except Jesus and that the most worthy goal I can pursue is "the prize promised by God's heavenly call in Christ Jesus," as Paul wrote. This is also the only pursuit in my life in which I cannot fail because it only depends on me in that I stay true to the love and grace He has put in my heart. Even that I can only do in His strength. There is freedom in knowing I can't do anything to earn my place in His kingdom.
I believe people were drawn to Paul because they knew they needed to be forgiven. He had been forgiven much, and no one can teach forgiveness like the forgiven. Many of us, however, forget how much we've been forgiven and begin living like we believe we are just a bit better than others. Not Paul. Thirty years after he had been nearly blinded by the Light, forgiveness and grace were as fresh on the tip of his tongue as they had been the moment he first believed.
Beth wrote, "Everything we are and anything we possess as believers in Christ is a gift of grace. Pure hearts before God must be cleansed from any hint of spiritual pride. We must aggressively fight the enemy when he seeks to nullify our growth and good works by making them invitations for pride and prejudice." Paul fought that fight well.
Oh, there is so much I could say about Paul's travels and writings! Traveling and writing are two of my very favorite things in life, especially when I get to travel to the mission field and write about it (which has been many a year now.) In my church upbringing, Paul's missionary journeys and extensive writings are a worthy mainstay of teaching. I had never learned much about his childhood or death, and so it is on the beginning and ending of his life that I focus simply because I knew so little about those time periods.
The home-school mom and teacher in me is enthralled by what I learned about Paul's death. When he said, "I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith," he wasn't just drawing a relatable word picture regarding the Olympic games. In AD 67, the year of Paul's death, Nero entered himself in the Olympic games despite his lack of training, while the other athletes had spent their whole lives training for the games. Nero used medications to induce vomiting to control his weight and was in pitiful shape, but no one dared to tell him he could not compete. He drove a 10-horse team but fell from the chariot and had to be helped in again. Although "he failed to stay the course and retired before the finish, the judges nevertheless awarded him the prize." A wreath was placed on his head, and he was hailed the victor. In an act of gratitude for the people's cooperation, Nero exempted Greece from taxation. Victims, most likely the Christians he held in such contempt, were killed in his honor all along the route he rode on his processional entry into Rome, wearing his wreath-crown and a Greek mantle spangled with gold stars over a purple robe.
Paul knew he was about to die as yet another victim of Nero's swordsmen, but he rejoiced. He saw death as a departure to a better time and place, a rescue, a safe passage. He finished his race, and according to oral teaching handed down through the ages, the two soldiers who brought Paul his death sentence received new life in Christ at Paul's feet just before leading him to his death. Paul had been prepared as a child for a life of faithful service, although he didn't know it would be in service to His crucified and arisen King and not to the law. He allowed himself to be poured out as a drink offering, and not a drop was wasted. He was beaten, tired, humiliated, deserted, hungry, and lonely in his last days. Hardly glorious, right? But I have a notion that the glory he beheld in the very next moment and has behold every moment since made every moment on earth worthwhile. He said that the partial knowledge he had acquired of Christ in his lifetime was worth every loss. Then what must full knowledge be like? "He beheld the ultimate surpassing glory," Beth wrote. She ended the book with these beautiful words, and I can find none better to end my rambling attempt to capture what I have learned from the study:
"Most Worthy Lord,
make me a drink offering
and take me not home
until the cup is overturned
the glass broken
and every drop loosed
for Your glory."